From Ashes to Darkness

When I lost my father, it felt like the ground beneath https://alanakian.com/english/from-ashes-to-darkness/my feet collapsed. I saw the “core” of the earth, touched it… it was scorching, a burning sensation that forever marked my soul. Every time I face a problem, that burning becomes more intense; as if I’m struggling in a bed of fire, with nowhere to find refuge. The problems not only remain unsolved but drag me down further… and once again, I see and touch the “core”; each time, a different core, a new burn, and with each time, less and less hope. It feels like these cores are endless; merciless and silent.But when I lost my mother, I found a momentary escape from that fire. From the core of the core of the core… I flew into a blue sky. The blue of that sky was calming at first, like a light that soothes the eyes for just a moment, but that light didn’t last. Soon enough, I was drawn into a black hole. In that absolute darkness, I was suspended, searching for a light that would no longer return. The only image shining in that pitch-black was my mother’s face. Every time I looked at her, a glimmer of hope sparked within me, as if only she could rescue me from this darkness. I would rush toward her with all my heart, and in the moment I saw her, my heart would warm; maybe this time I’d be saved. But each time, an invisible force, a strong magnet, would pull me away from her and throw me back into the depths of the final core. And each time, that fall grew heavier and more painful.Now, this has become my daily path: from the core to the black hole, and from the black hole back to the core. Every time I escape the darkness, I see the light for just a moment, only to fall once more into the depths. Does this cycle have an end? Sometimes I ask myself: Is there a light that will embrace me? Or am I destined to be forever trapped between burning cores and endless black holes?

A.Alanakian